I am Grabthar's Hammer.

Well, no, I'm not an ACTUAL hammer, but I felt like one today. I was asked to exert authority on behalf of my boss, and I didn't like it.

Well, okay, yeah I kind of did in a sick, tiny, twisted little corner of my being, but mostly it just sucked. Despite my advancement in position I still feel like Tiny Tim asking "Please Sir, may I have some more?". [sigh]

I know it's my issue. I know I have to deal with it. But I have this mile-wide-long mentality of I'm not good enough, I'm not smart enough, and Doggone it, people DON'T like me. It's kind of depressing. I feel like people are only nice to get something from me. Isn't that stupid? It's like looking into the face of God and questioning "What's in it for YOU?!?"

List of thing making me anxious and leaving me feeling tiny today:

• Having to exert authority over those that used to exert it over me. Nope, it really DOESN'T feel good and it doesn't feel like getting back at them. It feels shitty and unnecessary.

• My brother joined the Army today. It's a good thing for him and his family. So if that's the case, why do I lump him in with all the other family members making it good and/or big or having it made which leaves me feeling like a lazy slug?

• I feel held back. I feel like someone's got my arm in a vice-like grip and I'm watching everyone jog towards the finish line while I'm struggling and running in place. I don't know if it's me holding me back or my marriage. I just don't know anymore.

So that's it. I called all the moms today but one. I just couldn't stand to be lectured. Lecturing doesn't equal love.

I don't want to be a hammer. I'd rather be drinking a screwdriver. Where the fuck is the vodka?!?

What, Me Worry?

If you're a fan of MAD Magazine and Alfred E. Newman, you'll get the title's reference. I wish I could be like Mr. Newman. Smiling, slightly vacant but still a little smug that nothing in the world can get to him. Well, like him but without the freckles anyways.

Daylight Savings stole an hour from me (and yeah yeah the rest of the world too, except those damn Arizonians) and I think I'm doing well so far this morning. My Doc put me on 10mg Flexeril to help me sleep. I took a sick day on Wednesday because I was nauseated with bad headaches, and he discovered my blood pressure was also up. First thing he asked me was if I were getting enough sleep. Huh? I thought about it and no, I wasn't. I might get 5.5-6 hours of sleep a night and the other hours I just stare at the patterns the light makes on the ceiling. Pretty pretty patterns. The Flexeril is crazy sudden. If I take it and lay down, I had better be damn sure I didn't leave the water running, etc. because I hit the pillow and next thing I know it's morning.

Do you like how I'm not even mentioning my blogging hiatus? I'm not a huge fan of confrontation re: responsibilities I gave to myself and my lack of follow-through on said self-imposed responsibilities so forgive me, I may get hostile if you ask me wtf was up. I promise to be more kind to my 3 readers in the future, however.

Confetti and fanfare for The List of Things Making Me Anxious Today!

• Work. Well, really, why did I bother making it my top worry? Because this will be a rough week at work anxiety-wise. I have a new job at the same company, with more money and a boatload of new and important duties. Am I happier? Yes. Am I less stressed about work? Definitely. But this has a different kind of stress attached to it. Do I like it? Hell yes.
  

• Sex. Boy oh boy oh boy would I like some. My husband has no interest. His medications have effectively killed any desire for it, and he lost his job 2 weeks ago so it's been dry as a desert 'round these parts. No pun intended.

My husband is celebrating 6 months of sobriety. I am very very proud of him, and wish he could now find a job (soon) that lifts his spirits and brings us in some income. Money isn't tight YET but that doesn't mean he should sleep all day while I work my ass off. I've got to push him a bit this coming week and get him out there. Job opportunities are a bit grim here but come on, there has to be something.

So, my first blog back is a bit toothless, much like Alfred's grin. But hopefully I can get back into the swing of things. What, Me Anxious? Hell yes.