I am Grabthar's Hammer.

Well, no, I'm not an ACTUAL hammer, but I felt like one today. I was asked to exert authority on behalf of my boss, and I didn't like it.

Well, okay, yeah I kind of did in a sick, tiny, twisted little corner of my being, but mostly it just sucked. Despite my advancement in position I still feel like Tiny Tim asking "Please Sir, may I have some more?". [sigh]

I know it's my issue. I know I have to deal with it. But I have this mile-wide-long mentality of I'm not good enough, I'm not smart enough, and Doggone it, people DON'T like me. It's kind of depressing. I feel like people are only nice to get something from me. Isn't that stupid? It's like looking into the face of God and questioning "What's in it for YOU?!?"

List of thing making me anxious and leaving me feeling tiny today:

• Having to exert authority over those that used to exert it over me. Nope, it really DOESN'T feel good and it doesn't feel like getting back at them. It feels shitty and unnecessary.

• My brother joined the Army today. It's a good thing for him and his family. So if that's the case, why do I lump him in with all the other family members making it good and/or big or having it made which leaves me feeling like a lazy slug?

• I feel held back. I feel like someone's got my arm in a vice-like grip and I'm watching everyone jog towards the finish line while I'm struggling and running in place. I don't know if it's me holding me back or my marriage. I just don't know anymore.

So that's it. I called all the moms today but one. I just couldn't stand to be lectured. Lecturing doesn't equal love.

I don't want to be a hammer. I'd rather be drinking a screwdriver. Where the fuck is the vodka?!?

What, Me Worry?

If you're a fan of MAD Magazine and Alfred E. Newman, you'll get the title's reference. I wish I could be like Mr. Newman. Smiling, slightly vacant but still a little smug that nothing in the world can get to him. Well, like him but without the freckles anyways.

Daylight Savings stole an hour from me (and yeah yeah the rest of the world too, except those damn Arizonians) and I think I'm doing well so far this morning. My Doc put me on 10mg Flexeril to help me sleep. I took a sick day on Wednesday because I was nauseated with bad headaches, and he discovered my blood pressure was also up. First thing he asked me was if I were getting enough sleep. Huh? I thought about it and no, I wasn't. I might get 5.5-6 hours of sleep a night and the other hours I just stare at the patterns the light makes on the ceiling. Pretty pretty patterns. The Flexeril is crazy sudden. If I take it and lay down, I had better be damn sure I didn't leave the water running, etc. because I hit the pillow and next thing I know it's morning.

Do you like how I'm not even mentioning my blogging hiatus? I'm not a huge fan of confrontation re: responsibilities I gave to myself and my lack of follow-through on said self-imposed responsibilities so forgive me, I may get hostile if you ask me wtf was up. I promise to be more kind to my 3 readers in the future, however.

Confetti and fanfare for The List of Things Making Me Anxious Today!

• Work. Well, really, why did I bother making it my top worry? Because this will be a rough week at work anxiety-wise. I have a new job at the same company, with more money and a boatload of new and important duties. Am I happier? Yes. Am I less stressed about work? Definitely. But this has a different kind of stress attached to it. Do I like it? Hell yes.
  

• Sex. Boy oh boy oh boy would I like some. My husband has no interest. His medications have effectively killed any desire for it, and he lost his job 2 weeks ago so it's been dry as a desert 'round these parts. No pun intended.

My husband is celebrating 6 months of sobriety. I am very very proud of him, and wish he could now find a job (soon) that lifts his spirits and brings us in some income. Money isn't tight YET but that doesn't mean he should sleep all day while I work my ass off. I've got to push him a bit this coming week and get him out there. Job opportunities are a bit grim here but come on, there has to be something.

So, my first blog back is a bit toothless, much like Alfred's grin. But hopefully I can get back into the swing of things. What, Me Anxious? Hell yes.

Eeyore's Magic Beans

My husband has been without his mood-stabilizing meds for 2 days because we couldn't afford the $60 copay to get them, and he was Eeyore for a couple of days. Finally got them today, it was like Jack and the Beanstalk...thank goodness for magic beans.

There's no golden goose here at Chateau Jaycee, but we're managing (sort of). My husband gets his first paycheck this coming Wednesday, and I hope it's enough to cover a bill or two. He's on part time due to outpatient rehab and therapy, but he's working. His sense of pride is in full swing! It's also a relief not to be the only person working in the household.

It's Halloween but I just can't seem to get into my usual holiday spirit. A bunch of us are going to go and see Saw IV on Wednesday night after work, and we're going to take up a whole row and chow on candy just like we all did in junior high back in the day (Remember how fun that was? Running in packs with no worries? Awooooooooooo!)

List of things making me anxious (ta-da!):

1) There's a local show going on tonight, and since we're low on funds, I asked my husband if he could stick to a budget of $15 for food and whatever to drink. He now says he may as well not go since he has all of these "restrictions". Umm, hello, WE HAVE NO EXTRA MONEY. And then of course, I'm the bitch, right?

2) He says he's ALLOWED to be selfish. Says who? Correct me if I'm wrong but pal, your drug use and BEING SELFISH is why we're in the position we're in. Reevaluate, pronto.

3) Money. Duh.

4) Loud noises. I'm pretty jumpy lately. Very 1980's Frogger, and I'm feeling like I'm going to get squashed by a truck any second. Ribbit. I love you Gene Wilder, but PLEASE stop saying Frau Blucher and making the horses whinny.

So now he's going to sit on the couch and mope, and I'm stuck here with him. Fun fun Saturday night. I don't feel well enough to go out and leave him here, so I'm stuck here. BLEH.

Eeyore, please go before I yank off more than your tail.

I am NOT a pharmacy or a doctor.

So a few people know I am on anxiety medication at work.

And apparently I have "Yes, I will share my prescription medicine despite that being illegal" tattooed on my forehead.

A friend of mine IM'd me today at work asking if I had brought my xanax with me today. Um, DUH, My xanax is like American Express...I don't leave home without it. Without it I cannot control the tumble of obnoxiousness that may occur should you a) piss me off b) make me tense or c) breathe wrong and/or blink loudly. She proceeds to tell me that she's jumping out of her skin and asks for a pill. *sigh* I am too sympathetic, sometimes. I give her 1/2 a pill and she's amazed it works. Yet when I suggested it may be something she should look into, she poo-poo'd it and said if she ever had that feeling again, she'd come see me.

UM, HELLO? This same friend knows my husband was in rehab for Rx drug use in addition to coke, and she wants me to be her dealer, minus the money exchange? I don't think so. I shouldn't have shared, but I hate thinking of others going through what I go through.

A package I sent on [insert major online auction house here] got lost, and the buyer is (natch) being obnoxious. I filed an insurance report tonight. We'll see how that goes. But why do people feel that being rude and confrontational is the way to sort out an issue? Who RAISED these people with these feelings of entitlement and lack of manners? Were they thrown out in the backyard with a rowdy pack of other babies, with buckets of food thrown out randomly so they had to crawl and scrabble for bits of zwieback cookie while being told how special and wonderful they were?

List of things making me anxious today (gets out Rx pad):

1) Having the usps potentially deny my claim due to it's contents which I should have declared as hazardous, and having to refund much-needed money to an impatient asshat. It's been 19 days, dude. Sheesh.

2) Management. I've been monitored a lot lately. Like peek around the corner of my wall-IM-Email kind of monitoring. Not sure what that's about, but then I sure didn't make it a secret I was less than thrilled with being turned down for that promotion.

3) Smoking. I don't want to die. I don't know how to quit anymore though. Last time was easy, I was so sick that it hurt to smoke. This time it's going to be worse. Probably the worst yet.

4) Blogging. It's hard getting this out. It may not seem like much to you, my readers, but it's hard to spill out your guts.

I'm going to print out a sign a la Lucy from Peanuts and paste it on my wall...

"The Doctor is OUT".

Barefoot Princess

I am NOT a good cook.

Okay, it's not that I'm a bad cook...I'm a lazy cook. I work all day and I don't WANT to come and try and throw together a lavish dinner. Watching Barefoot Contessa and all of those other freakishly talented women (aliens?) rub my nose in it all the time. I don't know how to cook healthily, either. I grew up on boiled dinner, cheeeeeeeeese, fried pork chops, fried/mashed/boiled potatoes, Miracle Whip, cornbread, chili, full fat ice cream, etc. My parents didn't start eating right until Himself had open-heart surgery when I was in college.

When in college NO ONE eats healthy food. Alcohol, pizza and subs are pretty much the daily diet. If you were poor (and duh, we all were, we needed all of our money for beer), it was mac & cheese, baked potatoes with butter stolen from the caf and soda. Bleh.

I've started visiting allrecipes.com and Mimi's Cyber Kitchen. My mission is to become the Barefoot Princess but without all the calories. Because let me tell you, Ina does NOT cut calories (6 sticks of room temperature butter just for one sheet cake's icing? Just set up a crash cart for her guests next to the bar, please). I'm going to go to the grocery store and pick up a list of basics and break out the recipes. My goal is to spend Sundays cooking for the week. We'll see how that goes.

Work sucked today (what else is new). Got a slap on the paw for being Rude. Whateverrrrrrrrrrr. When I'm telling someone to look in the mail for fifty cents because they need to call someone who cares, well then they can call me rude. Until then, butt OUT. I do my job, I do it well, and I do not need to be micromanaged.

List of things making me anxious today:

1) Work. It's only going to be worse starting November 1st, and will run all the way through the end of January. Overtime, triple the work...kill me now.

2) Getting older. I'm not that old, and when people guess my age, it's about 10 years younger than what I really am. I don't look my age at all, but my body is starting to get all those crappy aches and pains. I've heard good things about Glucosamine being good for the joints. My joints are okay, but I want them to stay that way, too.

3) Dinner. It's supposed to be Taco night but I forgot the taco seasoning, and I don't want to go out again. Yup, lazy. (shut-up, I can hear you nodding)

4) My husband said he wants things between us to be the way they used to be. I forgot to ask him if he meant when I waited on him hand and foot and he pounced me just because we happened to be passing in the hallways, him being on drugs and me being paranoid, or when he was in detox and rehab and all we could do was talk on the phone. *shrug* I just want to be happy with him and vice versa. Relationships are so complex, and it seems like we hardly know each other somedays.

So I'm going to go open the cupboard doors 6-7 times and see if there's by any chance taco seasoning. I know there isn't but I'll do it anyways.

*starts making a tinfoil tiara*

Meerkat Apartment

So I've been sucked in.

Thick-shake-small-straw-gurgling-to-get-the-last-drop sucked in by Meerkat Manor. Dammit. And here I thought I was immune.

Flower, Zaphod, RocketDog, Maybelline, Axl, Mitch and the dreaded Zappa Gang. The show is better then a Latin Telenovela, people. For real, because I don't speak Spanish and neither does Sean Astin. WOOHOO! I've been really sick this week with bronchitis and a mild cold so I've been able to catch up on last season and start watching new episodes. This stuff is riveting.

If my hacking coughs resembled the barking of a meerkat- well that I couldn't help. If I suddenly sat up on the couch at the sound of my husband's car pulling in the drive and scanned the entryway horizon- coincidence. Nibbling at his eyebrow however....that was all me. *ahem*

Work was awful. This week was just too stressful to really communicate to anyone. It sucked and being sick didn't help. I couldn't have antibiotics because it's viral, not bacterial. Not that I'm an advocate of antibiotics unless they are completely necessary because I really don't like to eat yogurt everyday. *gag*

We were supposed to go see The Nightmare Before Christmas in 3-D today but I just couldn't keep my head up. My husband decided to go hang out upstate so I'm all by my lonesome. I'm cool with that but I forgot how quickly I get lonely, especially when I need some babying. So with gummi bears and remote in hand, I'm chilling on the couch and pretending I'm a Whiskers member. But I've got this low level hum going through my chest, which feels weird. Takes me a while to figure out it's a new anxiety signal. When did I get a new one?

I'm not going to call him and spoil his fun. But the last time he went upstate without me he was so desperate to get there he drove up on 2 spare tires because 2 of the regular tires on his car had been slashed. He ended up spending the last of our money to get high and it turns out while I kind of forgot, my subconscious was all too ready to remind me. I know he'll stay clean, and he won't be making any pit stops, and that our friends would never get him into any situation that would put him in temptation's way, but that niggling little fear is still there.

I decide to see if making little cooey chirpy sounds to myself makes me feel any better and I have to grin because if my husband caught me he'd probably start tickling me. His personality is back, he's laughing at me and with me now, and he's getting his drive to DO back. He worked yesterday and also went in to work this morning, to get back into the swing of things. I'm so fucking proud of him.

List of things making me anxious today (bark!):

1) Being alone and not feeling well. I know I'll be fine, but still, being held and snuggled with makes me feel so much better.

2) My husband being up in the big bad...with a full bank account.

3) Cigarettes. I'm down to my last one and I do NOT feel like getting dressed and driving out to get more.

4) Zaphod. Poor guy. Lost his mate of 4 years, his daughter took over the group and he's getting older. He just left the group to make it on his own, and I know how he feels (well, sort of)

I'm looking forward to next weekend already, and it's only Saturday. Where are my PILLS, ugh. I haven't had one in almost a week because I haven't really needed one. I've been on heavy duty prescription decongestant/expectorant and it knocked me on my butt. I was kind of too tired to be anxious.

*swallows juice* I'll be feeling much better in about 15 minutes, and now that I've gotten all this typed out, I'm going to go back to my burrow.

Waiting to Inhale

So I took the weekend off due to being pissy about not qualifying for the next stage of interviews for the promotion. While my project was well-constructed and written, apparently I didn't qualify due to leaving out information that was not addressed. So apparently I also needed to be a mind reader to qualify. I'll have to work on my ESP. I also decided to quit smoking. *bangs head against the wall*

The weekend wasn't too bad, actually. Went to a friend's house upstate and hung out for a while, and I fell asleep on the way back while listing to the Comedy Channel on XM. OH MY the dreams I had on the way back *giggles*

The music-makers converged on our humble abode on Saturday and spent the night, can you say Electro, DnB and Hard House? I didn't get a headache and all was well. Hatchets were buried (in the dirt, not anyone's backs) and it was a nice evening.

Sunday was laundry day and time to bring out the Fall clothing. I'm so excited. I love sweaters and boots and jeans and big hair and crazy makeup, things I can't tolerate during the Summer months. I detest Summer. In Winter you can at least layer, remove clothing down to comfortable clothes, but in Summer, all you can do is go naked, and I'm not trying to run around my town in a pair of shoes and a messenger bag scaring children and making dogs yelp. Nope.

Today I was in a dense, angry, nicotine deprived state. A FIEND. Ever seen Underworld? Where a Lycan (werewolf) bites a human and without warning the human becomes Lycan? That's how I was today. From the back, I looked calm and serene however speak to me and I turned around, muzzle elongated, slavering and snarling, teeth bared and hair sprouting places I didn't know existed. It's hard to type when your hands are now claws the size of frying pans.

List of things making me anxious today (growl!):

1) Quitting smoking. My insurance doesn't cover Chantix (natch) and cold turkey today didn't go so well.

2) Discovering a long-time friend just can't seem to evolve past the age of 20 and is making her loved ones crazy with jealousy and anger. Poor thing...I don't know how to help her and it hurts my heart.

3) My sex life. It doesn't exist. It's died a long horrible death along the time my husband starting moving from recreational drug use to needing to use. We've talked about it but it gets him frustrated. Women connect pheremonally during sex even without orgasm, and it binds them closer to their mate. I feel myself losing that bond :(

The best part of my day was writing this blog...I need a cigarette. *exhales*