My husband has been without his mood-stabilizing meds for 2 days because we couldn't afford the $60 copay to get them, and he was Eeyore for a couple of days. Finally got them today, it was like Jack and the Beanstalk...thank goodness for magic beans.
There's no golden goose here at Chateau Jaycee, but we're managing (sort of). My husband gets his first paycheck this coming Wednesday, and I hope it's enough to cover a bill or two. He's on part time due to outpatient rehab and therapy, but he's working. His sense of pride is in full swing! It's also a relief not to be the only person working in the household.
It's Halloween but I just can't seem to get into my usual holiday spirit. A bunch of us are going to go and see Saw IV on Wednesday night after work, and we're going to take up a whole row and chow on candy just like we all did in junior high back in the day (Remember how fun that was? Running in packs with no worries? Awooooooooooo!)
List of things making me anxious (ta-da!):
1) There's a local show going on tonight, and since we're low on funds, I asked my husband if he could stick to a budget of $15 for food and whatever to drink. He now says he may as well not go since he has all of these "restrictions". Umm, hello, WE HAVE NO EXTRA MONEY. And then of course, I'm the bitch, right?
2) He says he's ALLOWED to be selfish. Says who? Correct me if I'm wrong but pal, your drug use and BEING SELFISH is why we're in the position we're in. Reevaluate, pronto.
3) Money. Duh.
4) Loud noises. I'm pretty jumpy lately. Very 1980's Frogger, and I'm feeling like I'm going to get squashed by a truck any second. Ribbit. I love you Gene Wilder, but PLEASE stop saying Frau Blucher and making the horses whinny.
So now he's going to sit on the couch and mope, and I'm stuck here with him. Fun fun Saturday night. I don't feel well enough to go out and leave him here, so I'm stuck here. BLEH.
Eeyore, please go before I yank off more than your tail.
Saturday, October 27, 2007
Thursday, October 25, 2007
I am NOT a pharmacy or a doctor.
So a few people know I am on anxiety medication at work.
And apparently I have "Yes, I will share my prescription medicine despite that being illegal" tattooed on my forehead.
A friend of mine IM'd me today at work asking if I had brought my xanax with me today. Um, DUH, My xanax is like American Express...I don't leave home without it. Without it I cannot control the tumble of obnoxiousness that may occur should you a) piss me off b) make me tense or c) breathe wrong and/or blink loudly. She proceeds to tell me that she's jumping out of her skin and asks for a pill. *sigh* I am too sympathetic, sometimes. I give her 1/2 a pill and she's amazed it works. Yet when I suggested it may be something she should look into, she poo-poo'd it and said if she ever had that feeling again, she'd come see me.
UM, HELLO? This same friend knows my husband was in rehab for Rx drug use in addition to coke, and she wants me to be her dealer, minus the money exchange? I don't think so. I shouldn't have shared, but I hate thinking of others going through what I go through.
A package I sent on [insert major online auction house here] got lost, and the buyer is (natch) being obnoxious. I filed an insurance report tonight. We'll see how that goes. But why do people feel that being rude and confrontational is the way to sort out an issue? Who RAISED these people with these feelings of entitlement and lack of manners? Were they thrown out in the backyard with a rowdy pack of other babies, with buckets of food thrown out randomly so they had to crawl and scrabble for bits of zwieback cookie while being told how special and wonderful they were?
List of things making me anxious today (gets out Rx pad):
1) Having the usps potentially deny my claim due to it's contents which I should have declared as hazardous, and having to refund much-needed money to an impatient asshat. It's been 19 days, dude. Sheesh.
2) Management. I've been monitored a lot lately. Like peek around the corner of my wall-IM-Email kind of monitoring. Not sure what that's about, but then I sure didn't make it a secret I was less than thrilled with being turned down for that promotion.
3) Smoking. I don't want to die. I don't know how to quit anymore though. Last time was easy, I was so sick that it hurt to smoke. This time it's going to be worse. Probably the worst yet.
4) Blogging. It's hard getting this out. It may not seem like much to you, my readers, but it's hard to spill out your guts.
I'm going to print out a sign a la Lucy from Peanuts and paste it on my wall...
"The Doctor is OUT".
And apparently I have "Yes, I will share my prescription medicine despite that being illegal" tattooed on my forehead.
A friend of mine IM'd me today at work asking if I had brought my xanax with me today. Um, DUH, My xanax is like American Express...I don't leave home without it. Without it I cannot control the tumble of obnoxiousness that may occur should you a) piss me off b) make me tense or c) breathe wrong and/or blink loudly. She proceeds to tell me that she's jumping out of her skin and asks for a pill. *sigh* I am too sympathetic, sometimes. I give her 1/2 a pill and she's amazed it works. Yet when I suggested it may be something she should look into, she poo-poo'd it and said if she ever had that feeling again, she'd come see me.
UM, HELLO? This same friend knows my husband was in rehab for Rx drug use in addition to coke, and she wants me to be her dealer, minus the money exchange? I don't think so. I shouldn't have shared, but I hate thinking of others going through what I go through.
A package I sent on [insert major online auction house here] got lost, and the buyer is (natch) being obnoxious. I filed an insurance report tonight. We'll see how that goes. But why do people feel that being rude and confrontational is the way to sort out an issue? Who RAISED these people with these feelings of entitlement and lack of manners? Were they thrown out in the backyard with a rowdy pack of other babies, with buckets of food thrown out randomly so they had to crawl and scrabble for bits of zwieback cookie while being told how special and wonderful they were?
List of things making me anxious today (gets out Rx pad):
1) Having the usps potentially deny my claim due to it's contents which I should have declared as hazardous, and having to refund much-needed money to an impatient asshat. It's been 19 days, dude. Sheesh.
2) Management. I've been monitored a lot lately. Like peek around the corner of my wall-IM-Email kind of monitoring. Not sure what that's about, but then I sure didn't make it a secret I was less than thrilled with being turned down for that promotion.
3) Smoking. I don't want to die. I don't know how to quit anymore though. Last time was easy, I was so sick that it hurt to smoke. This time it's going to be worse. Probably the worst yet.
4) Blogging. It's hard getting this out. It may not seem like much to you, my readers, but it's hard to spill out your guts.
I'm going to print out a sign a la Lucy from Peanuts and paste it on my wall...
"The Doctor is OUT".
Monday, October 22, 2007
Barefoot Princess
I am NOT a good cook.
Okay, it's not that I'm a bad cook...I'm a lazy cook. I work all day and I don't WANT to come and try and throw together a lavish dinner. Watching Barefoot Contessa and all of those other freakishly talented women (aliens?) rub my nose in it all the time. I don't know how to cook healthily, either. I grew up on boiled dinner, cheeeeeeeeese, fried pork chops, fried/mashed/boiled potatoes, Miracle Whip, cornbread, chili, full fat ice cream, etc. My parents didn't start eating right until Himself had open-heart surgery when I was in college.
When in college NO ONE eats healthy food. Alcohol, pizza and subs are pretty much the daily diet. If you were poor (and duh, we all were, we needed all of our money for beer), it was mac & cheese, baked potatoes with butter stolen from the caf and soda. Bleh.
I've started visiting allrecipes.com and Mimi's Cyber Kitchen. My mission is to become the Barefoot Princess but without all the calories. Because let me tell you, Ina does NOT cut calories (6 sticks of room temperature butter just for one sheet cake's icing? Just set up a crash cart for her guests next to the bar, please). I'm going to go to the grocery store and pick up a list of basics and break out the recipes. My goal is to spend Sundays cooking for the week. We'll see how that goes.
Work sucked today (what else is new). Got a slap on the paw for being Rude. Whateverrrrrrrrrrr. When I'm telling someone to look in the mail for fifty cents because they need to call someone who cares, well then they can call me rude. Until then, butt OUT. I do my job, I do it well, and I do not need to be micromanaged.
List of things making me anxious today:
1) Work. It's only going to be worse starting November 1st, and will run all the way through the end of January. Overtime, triple the work...kill me now.
2) Getting older. I'm not that old, and when people guess my age, it's about 10 years younger than what I really am. I don't look my age at all, but my body is starting to get all those crappy aches and pains. I've heard good things about Glucosamine being good for the joints. My joints are okay, but I want them to stay that way, too.
3) Dinner. It's supposed to be Taco night but I forgot the taco seasoning, and I don't want to go out again. Yup, lazy. (shut-up, I can hear you nodding)
4) My husband said he wants things between us to be the way they used to be. I forgot to ask him if he meant when I waited on him hand and foot and he pounced me just because we happened to be passing in the hallways, him being on drugs and me being paranoid, or when he was in detox and rehab and all we could do was talk on the phone. *shrug* I just want to be happy with him and vice versa. Relationships are so complex, and it seems like we hardly know each other somedays.
So I'm going to go open the cupboard doors 6-7 times and see if there's by any chance taco seasoning. I know there isn't but I'll do it anyways.
*starts making a tinfoil tiara*
Okay, it's not that I'm a bad cook...I'm a lazy cook. I work all day and I don't WANT to come and try and throw together a lavish dinner. Watching Barefoot Contessa and all of those other freakishly talented women (aliens?) rub my nose in it all the time. I don't know how to cook healthily, either. I grew up on boiled dinner, cheeeeeeeeese, fried pork chops, fried/mashed/boiled potatoes, Miracle Whip, cornbread, chili, full fat ice cream, etc. My parents didn't start eating right until Himself had open-heart surgery when I was in college.
When in college NO ONE eats healthy food. Alcohol, pizza and subs are pretty much the daily diet. If you were poor (and duh, we all were, we needed all of our money for beer), it was mac & cheese, baked potatoes with butter stolen from the caf and soda. Bleh.
I've started visiting allrecipes.com and Mimi's Cyber Kitchen. My mission is to become the Barefoot Princess but without all the calories. Because let me tell you, Ina does NOT cut calories (6 sticks of room temperature butter just for one sheet cake's icing? Just set up a crash cart for her guests next to the bar, please). I'm going to go to the grocery store and pick up a list of basics and break out the recipes. My goal is to spend Sundays cooking for the week. We'll see how that goes.
Work sucked today (what else is new). Got a slap on the paw for being Rude. Whateverrrrrrrrrrr. When I'm telling someone to look in the mail for fifty cents because they need to call someone who cares, well then they can call me rude. Until then, butt OUT. I do my job, I do it well, and I do not need to be micromanaged.
List of things making me anxious today:
1) Work. It's only going to be worse starting November 1st, and will run all the way through the end of January. Overtime, triple the work...kill me now.
2) Getting older. I'm not that old, and when people guess my age, it's about 10 years younger than what I really am. I don't look my age at all, but my body is starting to get all those crappy aches and pains. I've heard good things about Glucosamine being good for the joints. My joints are okay, but I want them to stay that way, too.
3) Dinner. It's supposed to be Taco night but I forgot the taco seasoning, and I don't want to go out again. Yup, lazy. (shut-up, I can hear you nodding)
4) My husband said he wants things between us to be the way they used to be. I forgot to ask him if he meant when I waited on him hand and foot and he pounced me just because we happened to be passing in the hallways, him being on drugs and me being paranoid, or when he was in detox and rehab and all we could do was talk on the phone. *shrug* I just want to be happy with him and vice versa. Relationships are so complex, and it seems like we hardly know each other somedays.
So I'm going to go open the cupboard doors 6-7 times and see if there's by any chance taco seasoning. I know there isn't but I'll do it anyways.
*starts making a tinfoil tiara*
Saturday, October 20, 2007
Meerkat Apartment
So I've been sucked in.
Thick-shake-small-straw-gurgling-to-get-the-last-drop sucked in by Meerkat Manor. Dammit. And here I thought I was immune.
Flower, Zaphod, RocketDog, Maybelline, Axl, Mitch and the dreaded Zappa Gang. The show is better then a Latin Telenovela, people. For real, because I don't speak Spanish and neither does Sean Astin. WOOHOO! I've been really sick this week with bronchitis and a mild cold so I've been able to catch up on last season and start watching new episodes. This stuff is riveting.
If my hacking coughs resembled the barking of a meerkat- well that I couldn't help. If I suddenly sat up on the couch at the sound of my husband's car pulling in the drive and scanned the entryway horizon- coincidence. Nibbling at his eyebrow however....that was all me. *ahem*
Work was awful. This week was just too stressful to really communicate to anyone. It sucked and being sick didn't help. I couldn't have antibiotics because it's viral, not bacterial. Not that I'm an advocate of antibiotics unless they are completely necessary because I really don't like to eat yogurt everyday. *gag*
We were supposed to go see The Nightmare Before Christmas in 3-D today but I just couldn't keep my head up. My husband decided to go hang out upstate so I'm all by my lonesome. I'm cool with that but I forgot how quickly I get lonely, especially when I need some babying. So with gummi bears and remote in hand, I'm chilling on the couch and pretending I'm a Whiskers member. But I've got this low level hum going through my chest, which feels weird. Takes me a while to figure out it's a new anxiety signal. When did I get a new one?
I'm not going to call him and spoil his fun. But the last time he went upstate without me he was so desperate to get there he drove up on 2 spare tires because 2 of the regular tires on his car had been slashed. He ended up spending the last of our money to get high and it turns out while I kind of forgot, my subconscious was all too ready to remind me. I know he'll stay clean, and he won't be making any pit stops, and that our friends would never get him into any situation that would put him in temptation's way, but that niggling little fear is still there.
I decide to see if making little cooey chirpy sounds to myself makes me feel any better and I have to grin because if my husband caught me he'd probably start tickling me. His personality is back, he's laughing at me and with me now, and he's getting his drive to DO back. He worked yesterday and also went in to work this morning, to get back into the swing of things. I'm so fucking proud of him.
List of things making me anxious today (bark!):
1) Being alone and not feeling well. I know I'll be fine, but still, being held and snuggled with makes me feel so much better.
2) My husband being up in the big bad...with a full bank account.
3) Cigarettes. I'm down to my last one and I do NOT feel like getting dressed and driving out to get more.
4) Zaphod. Poor guy. Lost his mate of 4 years, his daughter took over the group and he's getting older. He just left the group to make it on his own, and I know how he feels (well, sort of)
I'm looking forward to next weekend already, and it's only Saturday. Where are my PILLS, ugh. I haven't had one in almost a week because I haven't really needed one. I've been on heavy duty prescription decongestant/expectorant and it knocked me on my butt. I was kind of too tired to be anxious.
*swallows juice* I'll be feeling much better in about 15 minutes, and now that I've gotten all this typed out, I'm going to go back to my burrow.
Thick-shake-small-straw-gurgling-to-get-the-last-drop sucked in by Meerkat Manor. Dammit. And here I thought I was immune.
Flower, Zaphod, RocketDog, Maybelline, Axl, Mitch and the dreaded Zappa Gang. The show is better then a Latin Telenovela, people. For real, because I don't speak Spanish and neither does Sean Astin. WOOHOO! I've been really sick this week with bronchitis and a mild cold so I've been able to catch up on last season and start watching new episodes. This stuff is riveting.
If my hacking coughs resembled the barking of a meerkat- well that I couldn't help. If I suddenly sat up on the couch at the sound of my husband's car pulling in the drive and scanned the entryway horizon- coincidence. Nibbling at his eyebrow however....that was all me. *ahem*
Work was awful. This week was just too stressful to really communicate to anyone. It sucked and being sick didn't help. I couldn't have antibiotics because it's viral, not bacterial. Not that I'm an advocate of antibiotics unless they are completely necessary because I really don't like to eat yogurt everyday. *gag*
We were supposed to go see The Nightmare Before Christmas in 3-D today but I just couldn't keep my head up. My husband decided to go hang out upstate so I'm all by my lonesome. I'm cool with that but I forgot how quickly I get lonely, especially when I need some babying. So with gummi bears and remote in hand, I'm chilling on the couch and pretending I'm a Whiskers member. But I've got this low level hum going through my chest, which feels weird. Takes me a while to figure out it's a new anxiety signal. When did I get a new one?
I'm not going to call him and spoil his fun. But the last time he went upstate without me he was so desperate to get there he drove up on 2 spare tires because 2 of the regular tires on his car had been slashed. He ended up spending the last of our money to get high and it turns out while I kind of forgot, my subconscious was all too ready to remind me. I know he'll stay clean, and he won't be making any pit stops, and that our friends would never get him into any situation that would put him in temptation's way, but that niggling little fear is still there.
I decide to see if making little cooey chirpy sounds to myself makes me feel any better and I have to grin because if my husband caught me he'd probably start tickling me. His personality is back, he's laughing at me and with me now, and he's getting his drive to DO back. He worked yesterday and also went in to work this morning, to get back into the swing of things. I'm so fucking proud of him.
List of things making me anxious today (bark!):
1) Being alone and not feeling well. I know I'll be fine, but still, being held and snuggled with makes me feel so much better.
2) My husband being up in the big bad...with a full bank account.
3) Cigarettes. I'm down to my last one and I do NOT feel like getting dressed and driving out to get more.
4) Zaphod. Poor guy. Lost his mate of 4 years, his daughter took over the group and he's getting older. He just left the group to make it on his own, and I know how he feels (well, sort of)
I'm looking forward to next weekend already, and it's only Saturday. Where are my PILLS, ugh. I haven't had one in almost a week because I haven't really needed one. I've been on heavy duty prescription decongestant/expectorant and it knocked me on my butt. I was kind of too tired to be anxious.
*swallows juice* I'll be feeling much better in about 15 minutes, and now that I've gotten all this typed out, I'm going to go back to my burrow.
Monday, October 15, 2007
Waiting to Inhale
So I took the weekend off due to being pissy about not qualifying for the next stage of interviews for the promotion. While my project was well-constructed and written, apparently I didn't qualify due to leaving out information that was not addressed. So apparently I also needed to be a mind reader to qualify. I'll have to work on my ESP. I also decided to quit smoking. *bangs head against the wall*
The weekend wasn't too bad, actually. Went to a friend's house upstate and hung out for a while, and I fell asleep on the way back while listing to the Comedy Channel on XM. OH MY the dreams I had on the way back *giggles*
The music-makers converged on our humble abode on Saturday and spent the night, can you say Electro, DnB and Hard House? I didn't get a headache and all was well. Hatchets were buried (in the dirt, not anyone's backs) and it was a nice evening.
Sunday was laundry day and time to bring out the Fall clothing. I'm so excited. I love sweaters and boots and jeans and big hair and crazy makeup, things I can't tolerate during the Summer months. I detest Summer. In Winter you can at least layer, remove clothing down to comfortable clothes, but in Summer, all you can do is go naked, and I'm not trying to run around my town in a pair of shoes and a messenger bag scaring children and making dogs yelp. Nope.
Today I was in a dense, angry, nicotine deprived state. A FIEND. Ever seen Underworld? Where a Lycan (werewolf) bites a human and without warning the human becomes Lycan? That's how I was today. From the back, I looked calm and serene however speak to me and I turned around, muzzle elongated, slavering and snarling, teeth bared and hair sprouting places I didn't know existed. It's hard to type when your hands are now claws the size of frying pans.
List of things making me anxious today (growl!):
1) Quitting smoking. My insurance doesn't cover Chantix (natch) and cold turkey today didn't go so well.
2) Discovering a long-time friend just can't seem to evolve past the age of 20 and is making her loved ones crazy with jealousy and anger. Poor thing...I don't know how to help her and it hurts my heart.
3) My sex life. It doesn't exist. It's died a long horrible death along the time my husband starting moving from recreational drug use to needing to use. We've talked about it but it gets him frustrated. Women connect pheremonally during sex even without orgasm, and it binds them closer to their mate. I feel myself losing that bond :(
The best part of my day was writing this blog...I need a cigarette. *exhales*
The weekend wasn't too bad, actually. Went to a friend's house upstate and hung out for a while, and I fell asleep on the way back while listing to the Comedy Channel on XM. OH MY the dreams I had on the way back *giggles*
The music-makers converged on our humble abode on Saturday and spent the night, can you say Electro, DnB and Hard House? I didn't get a headache and all was well. Hatchets were buried (in the dirt, not anyone's backs) and it was a nice evening.
Sunday was laundry day and time to bring out the Fall clothing. I'm so excited. I love sweaters and boots and jeans and big hair and crazy makeup, things I can't tolerate during the Summer months. I detest Summer. In Winter you can at least layer, remove clothing down to comfortable clothes, but in Summer, all you can do is go naked, and I'm not trying to run around my town in a pair of shoes and a messenger bag scaring children and making dogs yelp. Nope.
Today I was in a dense, angry, nicotine deprived state. A FIEND. Ever seen Underworld? Where a Lycan (werewolf) bites a human and without warning the human becomes Lycan? That's how I was today. From the back, I looked calm and serene however speak to me and I turned around, muzzle elongated, slavering and snarling, teeth bared and hair sprouting places I didn't know existed. It's hard to type when your hands are now claws the size of frying pans.
List of things making me anxious today (growl!):
1) Quitting smoking. My insurance doesn't cover Chantix (natch) and cold turkey today didn't go so well.
2) Discovering a long-time friend just can't seem to evolve past the age of 20 and is making her loved ones crazy with jealousy and anger. Poor thing...I don't know how to help her and it hurts my heart.
3) My sex life. It doesn't exist. It's died a long horrible death along the time my husband starting moving from recreational drug use to needing to use. We've talked about it but it gets him frustrated. Women connect pheremonally during sex even without orgasm, and it binds them closer to their mate. I feel myself losing that bond :(
The best part of my day was writing this blog...I need a cigarette. *exhales*
Thursday, October 11, 2007
Le Yawn
That's French for yawn, just in case you're not fluent. I happen to be very fluent in adding "le" to many words. For example, Le HowtheheckamIsupposedtostretch$100overthenext7days means I am financially distressed. See, a blog AND a language lesson.
I've been tired all day. You guessed it, stress. I deal with stress better lately but only on the surface. When my head hits the pillow my subconscious takes over and smacks me on the nose with a rolled up newspaper and proceeds to tell me in a sing-songy voice that I suck at stress management and it is, for one, tired of doing all the work. Then I dream...and dream...
and dream.
Type dream enough times and it starts not looking like a word. Go on, try it. Open up Word, or WordPad, or Notebook and type it a few times. Gibberish.
No pills today. I wanted to see how I felt not taking one while at work. Ummm, yeah, let's not do that again. I ranted out loud today. Loud enough that a coworker asked me who I was talking to. Hee! I should have just turned around, twitched, and told her I was conversing with the voices in my head and would she like a juice-box?, but I didn't.
I found out a friend of mine from work was turned down for the position we're all gunning for because she didn't meet the qualifications. She's been there 8 YEARS. I've been there half that amount. What do I have that this woman who's already done that job in an informal capacity doesn't?!?
List of things making me anxious today (Vanna White flourish):
1) This promotion. The whole building is buzzing about interviews. Hopefully management puts us out of our misery soon.
2) My mother-in-law. Dude, call your son and ask HIM how he's doing, don't call me on your way to Safeway every 5 minutes asking for mood updates.
3) My therapist's office. I asked the billing office if I could carry a balance since I couldn't pay them all at once (I only owe them $93.00) and I'm getting statements in the mail every 5 days. Yes, Erika, I am aware I'm carrying a balance. YOU WORK FOR MY THERAPIST, DO YOU REALLY THINK ANOTHER HANDWRITTEN REMINDER IS GOING TO MAKE ME FEEL LESS ANXIOUS?
So that's pretty much it for today, kids. Class le dismissed.
I've been tired all day. You guessed it, stress. I deal with stress better lately but only on the surface. When my head hits the pillow my subconscious takes over and smacks me on the nose with a rolled up newspaper and proceeds to tell me in a sing-songy voice that I suck at stress management and it is, for one, tired of doing all the work. Then I dream...and dream...
and dream.
Type dream enough times and it starts not looking like a word. Go on, try it. Open up Word, or WordPad, or Notebook and type it a few times. Gibberish.
No pills today. I wanted to see how I felt not taking one while at work. Ummm, yeah, let's not do that again. I ranted out loud today. Loud enough that a coworker asked me who I was talking to. Hee! I should have just turned around, twitched, and told her I was conversing with the voices in my head and would she like a juice-box?, but I didn't.
I found out a friend of mine from work was turned down for the position we're all gunning for because she didn't meet the qualifications. She's been there 8 YEARS. I've been there half that amount. What do I have that this woman who's already done that job in an informal capacity doesn't?!?
List of things making me anxious today (Vanna White flourish):
1) This promotion. The whole building is buzzing about interviews. Hopefully management puts us out of our misery soon.
2) My mother-in-law. Dude, call your son and ask HIM how he's doing, don't call me on your way to Safeway every 5 minutes asking for mood updates.
3) My therapist's office. I asked the billing office if I could carry a balance since I couldn't pay them all at once (I only owe them $93.00) and I'm getting statements in the mail every 5 days. Yes, Erika, I am aware I'm carrying a balance. YOU WORK FOR MY THERAPIST, DO YOU REALLY THINK ANOTHER HANDWRITTEN REMINDER IS GOING TO MAKE ME FEEL LESS ANXIOUS?
So that's pretty much it for today, kids. Class le dismissed.
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
Sobriety - Not for Whimps
So a friend of mine e-mailed me about a bumper-sticker she saw on the way home from work the other day that said "Sobriety - Not for Whimps".
Came home from work today and my husband was on the couch in the dark watching the second playing of a hockey game we watched last night, with the pillow wrapped around his head. I asked him if he was all good, and he looked at me and I knew it had been a bad day for him. He tried very hard to keep busy all day but ended up on the couch (aka the womb) and waited for me to come home. So we did what every other bored American family does, we went to...the mall!
Dude...dodging strollers, kids with soda's too full for comfort and those crazy kiosk people trying to grab your hand to make your fingernails shiny is stressful. Going to 3 different stores to look at new phone plans = get ME a stroller because I'm about to fall asleep from boredom. While he was talking phones I was connecting every Blackberry to the internet to see if I could view porn. Not because I NEED porn, but just to see if there any blocks on them for it.
I'm the person that goes directly to the toy aisles at Walmart and Target and winds, pushes buttons and makes every single noisy toy go off in staggered time frames so it sounds like a circus just exploded all over aisle 7 - for about 10 minutes straight.
So anyways, we finished up the phone plan browsing and went to get the famous foodcourt Teriyaki chicken - double meat of course. He ended up not wanting to stick a pen in his eye after all, and I got some yummy dinner. We're home now, in MSG bliss.
*drumroll* List of things making me anxious today:
1) I finished my project for the promotion...took me 4 hours to get all the spacing right, and giving the solution I thought was the right one. I agonized the last 10 minutes before I hit "SEND" and let it fly. If I get it, fantastic. If I don't, my next career might be specializing in saying, with just the right amount of boredom and contempt "Would you like to try a combo today?!?"
2) Smoking. I'm smoking way too much lately, and I'm taking Mucinex to combat that tight chest phlegm syndrome. Taking a pill to continue using a product designed to KILL YOU just doesn't seem like the smartest idea I ever had.
3) Isolation. Since my husband has basically had to cut his circle of friends by oh, 70%, it's harder to find someone to play with these days. We feel like those birds that start plucking out their own feathers just because they don't have anything else to do. "When Cameron was in Egypts laaaaaaaaaand - Let my Cameron GOOOOOOOOOO". Gotta love Ferris Bueller's Day Off.
On a good note I won a prize for being a member of a market survey panel. Bye-bye Pit of Despair and Hello Thanksgiving destination!
Took 1 pill today...cracked that sucker in half and used both halves today. Was a nightmare day at work and people suck. Mickey Rourke in Barfly said it best - "It's not that I don't like people, I just feel better when they're not around".
You're not a whimp, Baby...you're my hero today.
Came home from work today and my husband was on the couch in the dark watching the second playing of a hockey game we watched last night, with the pillow wrapped around his head. I asked him if he was all good, and he looked at me and I knew it had been a bad day for him. He tried very hard to keep busy all day but ended up on the couch (aka the womb) and waited for me to come home. So we did what every other bored American family does, we went to...the mall!
Dude...dodging strollers, kids with soda's too full for comfort and those crazy kiosk people trying to grab your hand to make your fingernails shiny is stressful. Going to 3 different stores to look at new phone plans = get ME a stroller because I'm about to fall asleep from boredom. While he was talking phones I was connecting every Blackberry to the internet to see if I could view porn. Not because I NEED porn, but just to see if there any blocks on them for it.
I'm the person that goes directly to the toy aisles at Walmart and Target and winds, pushes buttons and makes every single noisy toy go off in staggered time frames so it sounds like a circus just exploded all over aisle 7 - for about 10 minutes straight.
So anyways, we finished up the phone plan browsing and went to get the famous foodcourt Teriyaki chicken - double meat of course. He ended up not wanting to stick a pen in his eye after all, and I got some yummy dinner. We're home now, in MSG bliss.
*drumroll* List of things making me anxious today:
1) I finished my project for the promotion...took me 4 hours to get all the spacing right, and giving the solution I thought was the right one. I agonized the last 10 minutes before I hit "SEND" and let it fly. If I get it, fantastic. If I don't, my next career might be specializing in saying, with just the right amount of boredom and contempt "Would you like to try a combo today?!?"
2) Smoking. I'm smoking way too much lately, and I'm taking Mucinex to combat that tight chest phlegm syndrome. Taking a pill to continue using a product designed to KILL YOU just doesn't seem like the smartest idea I ever had.
3) Isolation. Since my husband has basically had to cut his circle of friends by oh, 70%, it's harder to find someone to play with these days. We feel like those birds that start plucking out their own feathers just because they don't have anything else to do. "When Cameron was in Egypts laaaaaaaaaand - Let my Cameron GOOOOOOOOOO". Gotta love Ferris Bueller's Day Off.
On a good note I won a prize for being a member of a market survey panel. Bye-bye Pit of Despair and Hello Thanksgiving destination!
Took 1 pill today...cracked that sucker in half and used both halves today. Was a nightmare day at work and people suck. Mickey Rourke in Barfly said it best - "It's not that I don't like people, I just feel better when they're not around".
You're not a whimp, Baby...you're my hero today.
Tuesday, October 9, 2007
Jedi Mind Tricks and La Fours
Nothing feels better (today anyways) than watching Silent Bob using his Jedi Mind Tricks to foil La Fours after a long, hard, exhausting day at work.
Smoochies Boochies, The Casual Male guy, endless interruption of trying on underwear, kids on the escalator unattended, chocolate pretzels and 3-nippled fortune tellers. Some days I wished I liked weed so I could sit back with a bag of cookies and Chinese food and have a Kevin Smith movie marathon.
I didn't take any of my medication despite a big promotion coming up and a project I need to complete this week in order to qualify for an interview for. I do my best work at the last minute so it's all good. I wrote papers in High School and College at the last second and scored A's across the board. It works for me.
List of things making me anxious today:
1) The promotion - there are 15 possible answers to a posed scenario and 80 people applying for only 4 positions, no pressure, right?
2) Anal sex. Not that I'm in any danger of it, but it's irrational and immediate due to Mallrats. I'm so impressionable.
3) My husband staying clean. He's been clean since 8/28/07.
Today wasn't so bad. No bounced checks, I have a roof over my head and cable. And pretzels. I am craving pretzels, and miracle or miracles, I have a whole box waiting to be baked and dipped. My husband vacuumed and it's cool outside for once. It's only 7pm and I'm calm without meds. I got a package in the mail today full of foreign candy, which is the best candy ever. American candy blows. It's a good day :)
Watch out for La Fours, tho. Put more quarters in that tube sock just in case.
Smoochies Boochies, The Casual Male guy, endless interruption of trying on underwear, kids on the escalator unattended, chocolate pretzels and 3-nippled fortune tellers. Some days I wished I liked weed so I could sit back with a bag of cookies and Chinese food and have a Kevin Smith movie marathon.
I didn't take any of my medication despite a big promotion coming up and a project I need to complete this week in order to qualify for an interview for. I do my best work at the last minute so it's all good. I wrote papers in High School and College at the last second and scored A's across the board. It works for me.
List of things making me anxious today:
1) The promotion - there are 15 possible answers to a posed scenario and 80 people applying for only 4 positions, no pressure, right?
2) Anal sex. Not that I'm in any danger of it, but it's irrational and immediate due to Mallrats. I'm so impressionable.
3) My husband staying clean. He's been clean since 8/28/07.
Today wasn't so bad. No bounced checks, I have a roof over my head and cable. And pretzels. I am craving pretzels, and miracle or miracles, I have a whole box waiting to be baked and dipped. My husband vacuumed and it's cool outside for once. It's only 7pm and I'm calm without meds. I got a package in the mail today full of foreign candy, which is the best candy ever. American candy blows. It's a good day :)
Watch out for La Fours, tho. Put more quarters in that tube sock just in case.
Monday, October 8, 2007
ALVIN!!!!
That's how I woke up this morning, at 6:11am, like Alvin and The Chipmunks were pounding away at a hula hoop with a sledgehammer in my chest.
I grab my cell phone/alarm clock and zombie my way to the living room. I catnap on the couch for an hour and a half, opening my eyes every 10 minutes or so to check the time. I should have just stayed up but I didn’t want to wake my husband. Laundry, dishes, eyebrow maintenance…all of that could have been done but I was so worn out with disgust from last night’s Rock of Love Reunion Special (can I have that hour of my life back, please?) and not sleeping well that my general attitude was “Screw it”.
My therapist told me that when I wake up feeling anxious to get out of bed and go somewhere else....either stay up and be productive (at 6am? whatever) or try to nap until it's time to get up for work. She says I'll associate negativity with the bedroom if I force myself to lie in bed feeling miserable. She also gave the same scenario should I find myself unable to fall asleep at night. So um, well then where would you like me to sleep? The hall closet? Kitchen floor? Outside on the patio?
Sooooooo at 7:47am I decide I’ve had enough and get up, chain-smoking 3 cigarettes while I catch up on all the e-mail and gossip I missed while I was sleeping (nothing exciting happened in my corner of the world, however if I’m in need of Viagra or hot teen nude photos, I’m in luck *eyeroll*). A shower, 2 alarm/snooze routines later for my husband and I’m out the door to work. Woohoo. Alvin, Simon and Theodore have slowed down their hammering a bit, but not much. My anxiety morphs into irritation…and off we go!
I don’t always get a warning, mind you, that I’m anxious. I try to take my pills only when I need them, not the recommended 2x daily. Sometimes I’ll be so tense that my husband or a friend will have to make a smart-aleck comment before I realize I’m letting it get to me. Most of the time, though, it’s a low burning in my belly. Like a little invisible line of fire above my belly-button. When I get that feeling I know I’d better take my medication.
I’ve been diagnosed with GAD and PTSD. For those of you not in the know, that’s General Anxiety Disorder and (delayed onset) Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. I think I need a new therapist though, because she’s been looking at me lately like a I grew 3 heads.
I started out in early April of 2007 taking .5mg of Xanax. That dosage wasn't increased until late September 2007, and I asked for .75mg but my PCP prescribed 1mg. So I try not to take a whole one unless I need to. I took a whole one this morning though, due to "The List".
List of things making me anxious today (yeah I know you’ve been waiting for this LOL!):
1) [insert largest online auction site here] will be auto-debiting my fees for last month tomorrow. Rent will also be coming out tomorrow. The fees for said auction site are $10.00 more than I have in our joint account, and unless I can get to the bank in time to make a $10 deposit, you guessed it - $35 in overdaft fees. Best part? I don’t have $35. In fact, I have $32 on my credit card, $4.07 in my Paypal account and $13.00 in my stash checking account. (backstory – I got a personal checking account due to my husband draining our joint account for drugs).
2) My husband got accepted back into his old position (he was forced to quit or be fired due to his inability to do the work given due to being constantly on drugs), but he can’t start until October 19th. It’s still up in the air as to if he’ll be hired back at his same rate. It’s also the last chance they’ll be giving him.
3) Food – not enough of it. Dollar store here I come, and I’ll have to agonize over my choices since there is no extra cash. Meh.
4) The Holidays - I don't even know where to start. We've been invited by my biological mom (who is also my best friend) to come for Thanksgiving. And my parents also want to see me for Christmas. My parents have absolutely no clue what's been going on with my husband and I, and I'm sure they couldn't care less. Ah, family. I would much rather spend Thanksgiving in a warm, loving, fun and cozy environment rather than Christmas in a loud, judgemental and nosey one. Finances suck, online airline discount sites suck. 'Nuff said.
I'm working on giving you some background on me and my current situation. Stay tuned.
And stay away from those chipmunks.
I grab my cell phone/alarm clock and zombie my way to the living room. I catnap on the couch for an hour and a half, opening my eyes every 10 minutes or so to check the time. I should have just stayed up but I didn’t want to wake my husband. Laundry, dishes, eyebrow maintenance…all of that could have been done but I was so worn out with disgust from last night’s Rock of Love Reunion Special (can I have that hour of my life back, please?) and not sleeping well that my general attitude was “Screw it”.
My therapist told me that when I wake up feeling anxious to get out of bed and go somewhere else....either stay up and be productive (at 6am? whatever) or try to nap until it's time to get up for work. She says I'll associate negativity with the bedroom if I force myself to lie in bed feeling miserable. She also gave the same scenario should I find myself unable to fall asleep at night. So um, well then where would you like me to sleep? The hall closet? Kitchen floor? Outside on the patio?
Sooooooo at 7:47am I decide I’ve had enough and get up, chain-smoking 3 cigarettes while I catch up on all the e-mail and gossip I missed while I was sleeping (nothing exciting happened in my corner of the world, however if I’m in need of Viagra or hot teen nude photos, I’m in luck *eyeroll*). A shower, 2 alarm/snooze routines later for my husband and I’m out the door to work. Woohoo. Alvin, Simon and Theodore have slowed down their hammering a bit, but not much. My anxiety morphs into irritation…and off we go!
I don’t always get a warning, mind you, that I’m anxious. I try to take my pills only when I need them, not the recommended 2x daily. Sometimes I’ll be so tense that my husband or a friend will have to make a smart-aleck comment before I realize I’m letting it get to me. Most of the time, though, it’s a low burning in my belly. Like a little invisible line of fire above my belly-button. When I get that feeling I know I’d better take my medication.
I’ve been diagnosed with GAD and PTSD. For those of you not in the know, that’s General Anxiety Disorder and (delayed onset) Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. I think I need a new therapist though, because she’s been looking at me lately like a I grew 3 heads.
I started out in early April of 2007 taking .5mg of Xanax. That dosage wasn't increased until late September 2007, and I asked for .75mg but my PCP prescribed 1mg. So I try not to take a whole one unless I need to. I took a whole one this morning though, due to "The List".
List of things making me anxious today (yeah I know you’ve been waiting for this LOL!):
1) [insert largest online auction site here] will be auto-debiting my fees for last month tomorrow. Rent will also be coming out tomorrow. The fees for said auction site are $10.00 more than I have in our joint account, and unless I can get to the bank in time to make a $10 deposit, you guessed it - $35 in overdaft fees. Best part? I don’t have $35. In fact, I have $32 on my credit card, $4.07 in my Paypal account and $13.00 in my stash checking account. (backstory – I got a personal checking account due to my husband draining our joint account for drugs).
2) My husband got accepted back into his old position (he was forced to quit or be fired due to his inability to do the work given due to being constantly on drugs), but he can’t start until October 19th. It’s still up in the air as to if he’ll be hired back at his same rate. It’s also the last chance they’ll be giving him.
3) Food – not enough of it. Dollar store here I come, and I’ll have to agonize over my choices since there is no extra cash. Meh.
4) The Holidays - I don't even know where to start. We've been invited by my biological mom (who is also my best friend) to come for Thanksgiving. And my parents also want to see me for Christmas. My parents have absolutely no clue what's been going on with my husband and I, and I'm sure they couldn't care less. Ah, family. I would much rather spend Thanksgiving in a warm, loving, fun and cozy environment rather than Christmas in a loud, judgemental and nosey one. Finances suck, online airline discount sites suck. 'Nuff said.
I'm working on giving you some background on me and my current situation. Stay tuned.
And stay away from those chipmunks.
Sunday, October 7, 2007
.25mg of Xanax
So get this...sitting down, creating a name and signing up actually feels like taking .25mg of Xanax. No, really!
The act of DOING something, anything, rather than sitting up in bed with a robe wrapped around your legs, back tight against a wall and your nerves stretched tight as catgut on a tennis racket actually felt as stabilizing as taking a pill. Now I'm not thinking all of my efforts will be this rewarding and so quick but dammit I'm going to be a temporary optimist. Permanent things make me uptight, so temporary is soothing. And in spite of disliking putting down roots I'm married (4 years), have been at the same job (again for 4 years) and refuse to upgrade my cell phone (2 years, WHEW! I hate the number 4). I am a study in contradictions...Gemini, too. Go figure.
List of things making me tense today (it's okay to laugh to yourselves, really) :
1) Air-conditioning. Yup, I typed that. It's 87 and I loathe hot humid weather. Not such a good thing living on the eastern seaboard. The electric bill won't be as bad as August and September, but still.
2) Work on Monday. I'm sure I'm not alone in the "Sunday Blues"...you know what they are. Saturday = carefree buffer day stay up all night Friday it's okay to sleep in because wtf you can, right? Sunday is so far away. When Sunday rolls over and it's morning breathe wakes you up and your chest is all tight, teeth clenched and the only thought is a resounding "WHAT?!?!?!" then you know it's only a matter of hours before you have drag yourself back to work. Meh.
3) Going through my treasures and parting with them, in one fell swoop via TurboLister on [insert major online auction site here] and then regretting it before they've even sold.
4) Epilating. What woman does not have a love-hate relationship with her epilator? It feels like getting a full-body tattoo in the course of 30 minutes. OW. But the results are a dream. FYI, Mother Nature, we are NOT cavemen, we do NOT need to be covered in fur, Columbia brand jackets take care of windchill, thankyouverymuch.
5) Completing this list, this blog, this commitment to type as therapy.
6) Wondering if I can stretch a pound of hamburger, 1/3 jar of Prego (Traditional) and 2/3 pound of spaghetti noodles into dinner for 2. Money is pretty non-existent at this point. I made Dollar Store soft pretzels with cream cheese and yellow mustard as dips with 2 Cokes for lunch yesterday. Dinner last night for him was chicken flavored ramen, 2 packages. Mine was macaroni and cheese (the good kind, natch).
7) Dreaming. My dreams have been elaborate technicolor Gone with the Wind epics lately and it's wearing me down. Sleep used to be a haven but my mind is pushing me, kicking and screaming, towards acknowledging the reasons for the dreams. A friend is helping me piece them together and it's really frightening how much I've refused to acknowledge what's making my emotional well-being so fragile.
So yeah, this is good. I won't be devastated if no one reads my blog. Heck, I'm happy to have made it this far without shutting the laptop as if a spider were on the keyboard, shrieking and scuttling backwards until my butt hits the entertainment center.
More tomorrow...not sure how frequently I'll be posting (umm, yeah right) but it'll probably be every day. I don't have kids, pets, etc. Just a recovering addict husband and my anxiety. That's enough.
The act of DOING something, anything, rather than sitting up in bed with a robe wrapped around your legs, back tight against a wall and your nerves stretched tight as catgut on a tennis racket actually felt as stabilizing as taking a pill. Now I'm not thinking all of my efforts will be this rewarding and so quick but dammit I'm going to be a temporary optimist. Permanent things make me uptight, so temporary is soothing. And in spite of disliking putting down roots I'm married (4 years), have been at the same job (again for 4 years) and refuse to upgrade my cell phone (2 years, WHEW! I hate the number 4). I am a study in contradictions...Gemini, too. Go figure.
List of things making me tense today (it's okay to laugh to yourselves, really) :
1) Air-conditioning. Yup, I typed that. It's 87 and I loathe hot humid weather. Not such a good thing living on the eastern seaboard. The electric bill won't be as bad as August and September, but still.
2) Work on Monday. I'm sure I'm not alone in the "Sunday Blues"...you know what they are. Saturday = carefree buffer day stay up all night Friday it's okay to sleep in because wtf you can, right? Sunday is so far away. When Sunday rolls over and it's morning breathe wakes you up and your chest is all tight, teeth clenched and the only thought is a resounding "WHAT?!?!?!" then you know it's only a matter of hours before you have drag yourself back to work. Meh.
3) Going through my treasures and parting with them, in one fell swoop via TurboLister on [insert major online auction site here] and then regretting it before they've even sold.
4) Epilating. What woman does not have a love-hate relationship with her epilator? It feels like getting a full-body tattoo in the course of 30 minutes. OW. But the results are a dream. FYI, Mother Nature, we are NOT cavemen, we do NOT need to be covered in fur, Columbia brand jackets take care of windchill, thankyouverymuch.
5) Completing this list, this blog, this commitment to type as therapy.
6) Wondering if I can stretch a pound of hamburger, 1/3 jar of Prego (Traditional) and 2/3 pound of spaghetti noodles into dinner for 2. Money is pretty non-existent at this point. I made Dollar Store soft pretzels with cream cheese and yellow mustard as dips with 2 Cokes for lunch yesterday. Dinner last night for him was chicken flavored ramen, 2 packages. Mine was macaroni and cheese (the good kind, natch).
7) Dreaming. My dreams have been elaborate technicolor Gone with the Wind epics lately and it's wearing me down. Sleep used to be a haven but my mind is pushing me, kicking and screaming, towards acknowledging the reasons for the dreams. A friend is helping me piece them together and it's really frightening how much I've refused to acknowledge what's making my emotional well-being so fragile.
So yeah, this is good. I won't be devastated if no one reads my blog. Heck, I'm happy to have made it this far without shutting the laptop as if a spider were on the keyboard, shrieking and scuttling backwards until my butt hits the entertainment center.
More tomorrow...not sure how frequently I'll be posting (umm, yeah right) but it'll probably be every day. I don't have kids, pets, etc. Just a recovering addict husband and my anxiety. That's enough.
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