ALVIN!!!!

That's how I woke up this morning, at 6:11am, like Alvin and The Chipmunks were pounding away at a hula hoop with a sledgehammer in my chest.

I grab my cell phone/alarm clock and zombie my way to the living room. I catnap on the couch for an hour and a half, opening my eyes every 10 minutes or so to check the time. I should have just stayed up but I didn’t want to wake my husband. Laundry, dishes, eyebrow maintenance…all of that could have been done but I was so worn out with disgust from last night’s Rock of Love Reunion Special (can I have that hour of my life back, please?) and not sleeping well that my general attitude was “Screw it”.

My therapist told me that when I wake up feeling anxious to get out of bed and go somewhere else....either stay up and be productive (at 6am? whatever) or try to nap until it's time to get up for work. She says I'll associate negativity with the bedroom if I force myself to lie in bed feeling miserable. She also gave the same scenario should I find myself unable to fall asleep at night. So um, well then where would you like me to sleep? The hall closet? Kitchen floor? Outside on the patio?

Sooooooo at 7:47am I decide I’ve had enough and get up, chain-smoking 3 cigarettes while I catch up on all the e-mail and gossip I missed while I was sleeping (nothing exciting happened in my corner of the world, however if I’m in need of Viagra or hot teen nude photos, I’m in luck *eyeroll*). A shower, 2 alarm/snooze routines later for my husband and I’m out the door to work. Woohoo. Alvin, Simon and Theodore have slowed down their hammering a bit, but not much. My anxiety morphs into irritation…and off we go!

I don’t always get a warning, mind you, that I’m anxious. I try to take my pills only when I need them, not the recommended 2x daily. Sometimes I’ll be so tense that my husband or a friend will have to make a smart-aleck comment before I realize I’m letting it get to me. Most of the time, though, it’s a low burning in my belly. Like a little invisible line of fire above my belly-button. When I get that feeling I know I’d better take my medication.

I’ve been diagnosed with GAD and PTSD. For those of you not in the know, that’s General Anxiety Disorder and (delayed onset) Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. I think I need a new therapist though, because she’s been looking at me lately like a I grew 3 heads.

I started out in early April of 2007 taking .5mg of Xanax. That dosage wasn't increased until late September 2007, and I asked for .75mg but my PCP prescribed 1mg. So I try not to take a whole one unless I need to. I took a whole one this morning though, due to "The List".

List of things making me anxious today (yeah I know you’ve been waiting for this LOL!):

1) [insert largest online auction site here] will be auto-debiting my fees for last month tomorrow. Rent will also be coming out tomorrow. The fees for said auction site are $10.00 more than I have in our joint account, and unless I can get to the bank in time to make a $10 deposit, you guessed it - $35 in overdaft fees. Best part? I don’t have $35. In fact, I have $32 on my credit card, $4.07 in my Paypal account and $13.00 in my stash checking account. (backstory – I got a personal checking account due to my husband draining our joint account for drugs).

2) My husband got accepted back into his old position (he was forced to quit or be fired due to his inability to do the work given due to being constantly on drugs), but he can’t start until October 19th. It’s still up in the air as to if he’ll be hired back at his same rate. It’s also the last chance they’ll be giving him.

3) Food – not enough of it. Dollar store here I come, and I’ll have to agonize over my choices since there is no extra cash. Meh.

4) The Holidays - I don't even know where to start. We've been invited by my biological mom (who is also my best friend) to come for Thanksgiving. And my parents also want to see me for Christmas. My parents have absolutely no clue what's been going on with my husband and I, and I'm sure they couldn't care less. Ah, family. I would much rather spend Thanksgiving in a warm, loving, fun and cozy environment rather than Christmas in a loud, judgemental and nosey one. Finances suck, online airline discount sites suck. 'Nuff said.

I'm working on giving you some background on me and my current situation. Stay tuned.

And stay away from those chipmunks.