That's French for yawn, just in case you're not fluent. I happen to be very fluent in adding "le" to many words. For example, Le HowtheheckamIsupposedtostretch$100overthenext7days means I am financially distressed. See, a blog AND a language lesson.
I've been tired all day. You guessed it, stress. I deal with stress better lately but only on the surface. When my head hits the pillow my subconscious takes over and smacks me on the nose with a rolled up newspaper and proceeds to tell me in a sing-songy voice that I suck at stress management and it is, for one, tired of doing all the work. Then I dream...and dream...
and dream.
Type dream enough times and it starts not looking like a word. Go on, try it. Open up Word, or WordPad, or Notebook and type it a few times. Gibberish.
No pills today. I wanted to see how I felt not taking one while at work. Ummm, yeah, let's not do that again. I ranted out loud today. Loud enough that a coworker asked me who I was talking to. Hee! I should have just turned around, twitched, and told her I was conversing with the voices in my head and would she like a juice-box?, but I didn't.
I found out a friend of mine from work was turned down for the position we're all gunning for because she didn't meet the qualifications. She's been there 8 YEARS. I've been there half that amount. What do I have that this woman who's already done that job in an informal capacity doesn't?!?
List of things making me anxious today (Vanna White flourish):
1) This promotion. The whole building is buzzing about interviews. Hopefully management puts us out of our misery soon.
2) My mother-in-law. Dude, call your son and ask HIM how he's doing, don't call me on your way to Safeway every 5 minutes asking for mood updates.
3) My therapist's office. I asked the billing office if I could carry a balance since I couldn't pay them all at once (I only owe them $93.00) and I'm getting statements in the mail every 5 days. Yes, Erika, I am aware I'm carrying a balance. YOU WORK FOR MY THERAPIST, DO YOU REALLY THINK ANOTHER HANDWRITTEN REMINDER IS GOING TO MAKE ME FEEL LESS ANXIOUS?
So that's pretty much it for today, kids. Class le dismissed.
Thursday, October 11, 2007
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
Sobriety - Not for Whimps
So a friend of mine e-mailed me about a bumper-sticker she saw on the way home from work the other day that said "Sobriety - Not for Whimps".
Came home from work today and my husband was on the couch in the dark watching the second playing of a hockey game we watched last night, with the pillow wrapped around his head. I asked him if he was all good, and he looked at me and I knew it had been a bad day for him. He tried very hard to keep busy all day but ended up on the couch (aka the womb) and waited for me to come home. So we did what every other bored American family does, we went to...the mall!
Dude...dodging strollers, kids with soda's too full for comfort and those crazy kiosk people trying to grab your hand to make your fingernails shiny is stressful. Going to 3 different stores to look at new phone plans = get ME a stroller because I'm about to fall asleep from boredom. While he was talking phones I was connecting every Blackberry to the internet to see if I could view porn. Not because I NEED porn, but just to see if there any blocks on them for it.
I'm the person that goes directly to the toy aisles at Walmart and Target and winds, pushes buttons and makes every single noisy toy go off in staggered time frames so it sounds like a circus just exploded all over aisle 7 - for about 10 minutes straight.
So anyways, we finished up the phone plan browsing and went to get the famous foodcourt Teriyaki chicken - double meat of course. He ended up not wanting to stick a pen in his eye after all, and I got some yummy dinner. We're home now, in MSG bliss.
*drumroll* List of things making me anxious today:
1) I finished my project for the promotion...took me 4 hours to get all the spacing right, and giving the solution I thought was the right one. I agonized the last 10 minutes before I hit "SEND" and let it fly. If I get it, fantastic. If I don't, my next career might be specializing in saying, with just the right amount of boredom and contempt "Would you like to try a combo today?!?"
2) Smoking. I'm smoking way too much lately, and I'm taking Mucinex to combat that tight chest phlegm syndrome. Taking a pill to continue using a product designed to KILL YOU just doesn't seem like the smartest idea I ever had.
3) Isolation. Since my husband has basically had to cut his circle of friends by oh, 70%, it's harder to find someone to play with these days. We feel like those birds that start plucking out their own feathers just because they don't have anything else to do. "When Cameron was in Egypts laaaaaaaaaand - Let my Cameron GOOOOOOOOOO". Gotta love Ferris Bueller's Day Off.
On a good note I won a prize for being a member of a market survey panel. Bye-bye Pit of Despair and Hello Thanksgiving destination!
Took 1 pill today...cracked that sucker in half and used both halves today. Was a nightmare day at work and people suck. Mickey Rourke in Barfly said it best - "It's not that I don't like people, I just feel better when they're not around".
You're not a whimp, Baby...you're my hero today.
Came home from work today and my husband was on the couch in the dark watching the second playing of a hockey game we watched last night, with the pillow wrapped around his head. I asked him if he was all good, and he looked at me and I knew it had been a bad day for him. He tried very hard to keep busy all day but ended up on the couch (aka the womb) and waited for me to come home. So we did what every other bored American family does, we went to...the mall!
Dude...dodging strollers, kids with soda's too full for comfort and those crazy kiosk people trying to grab your hand to make your fingernails shiny is stressful. Going to 3 different stores to look at new phone plans = get ME a stroller because I'm about to fall asleep from boredom. While he was talking phones I was connecting every Blackberry to the internet to see if I could view porn. Not because I NEED porn, but just to see if there any blocks on them for it.
I'm the person that goes directly to the toy aisles at Walmart and Target and winds, pushes buttons and makes every single noisy toy go off in staggered time frames so it sounds like a circus just exploded all over aisle 7 - for about 10 minutes straight.
So anyways, we finished up the phone plan browsing and went to get the famous foodcourt Teriyaki chicken - double meat of course. He ended up not wanting to stick a pen in his eye after all, and I got some yummy dinner. We're home now, in MSG bliss.
*drumroll* List of things making me anxious today:
1) I finished my project for the promotion...took me 4 hours to get all the spacing right, and giving the solution I thought was the right one. I agonized the last 10 minutes before I hit "SEND" and let it fly. If I get it, fantastic. If I don't, my next career might be specializing in saying, with just the right amount of boredom and contempt "Would you like to try a combo today?!?"
2) Smoking. I'm smoking way too much lately, and I'm taking Mucinex to combat that tight chest phlegm syndrome. Taking a pill to continue using a product designed to KILL YOU just doesn't seem like the smartest idea I ever had.
3) Isolation. Since my husband has basically had to cut his circle of friends by oh, 70%, it's harder to find someone to play with these days. We feel like those birds that start plucking out their own feathers just because they don't have anything else to do. "When Cameron was in Egypts laaaaaaaaaand - Let my Cameron GOOOOOOOOOO". Gotta love Ferris Bueller's Day Off.
On a good note I won a prize for being a member of a market survey panel. Bye-bye Pit of Despair and Hello Thanksgiving destination!
Took 1 pill today...cracked that sucker in half and used both halves today. Was a nightmare day at work and people suck. Mickey Rourke in Barfly said it best - "It's not that I don't like people, I just feel better when they're not around".
You're not a whimp, Baby...you're my hero today.
Tuesday, October 9, 2007
Jedi Mind Tricks and La Fours
Nothing feels better (today anyways) than watching Silent Bob using his Jedi Mind Tricks to foil La Fours after a long, hard, exhausting day at work.
Smoochies Boochies, The Casual Male guy, endless interruption of trying on underwear, kids on the escalator unattended, chocolate pretzels and 3-nippled fortune tellers. Some days I wished I liked weed so I could sit back with a bag of cookies and Chinese food and have a Kevin Smith movie marathon.
I didn't take any of my medication despite a big promotion coming up and a project I need to complete this week in order to qualify for an interview for. I do my best work at the last minute so it's all good. I wrote papers in High School and College at the last second and scored A's across the board. It works for me.
List of things making me anxious today:
1) The promotion - there are 15 possible answers to a posed scenario and 80 people applying for only 4 positions, no pressure, right?
2) Anal sex. Not that I'm in any danger of it, but it's irrational and immediate due to Mallrats. I'm so impressionable.
3) My husband staying clean. He's been clean since 8/28/07.
Today wasn't so bad. No bounced checks, I have a roof over my head and cable. And pretzels. I am craving pretzels, and miracle or miracles, I have a whole box waiting to be baked and dipped. My husband vacuumed and it's cool outside for once. It's only 7pm and I'm calm without meds. I got a package in the mail today full of foreign candy, which is the best candy ever. American candy blows. It's a good day :)
Watch out for La Fours, tho. Put more quarters in that tube sock just in case.
Smoochies Boochies, The Casual Male guy, endless interruption of trying on underwear, kids on the escalator unattended, chocolate pretzels and 3-nippled fortune tellers. Some days I wished I liked weed so I could sit back with a bag of cookies and Chinese food and have a Kevin Smith movie marathon.
I didn't take any of my medication despite a big promotion coming up and a project I need to complete this week in order to qualify for an interview for. I do my best work at the last minute so it's all good. I wrote papers in High School and College at the last second and scored A's across the board. It works for me.
List of things making me anxious today:
1) The promotion - there are 15 possible answers to a posed scenario and 80 people applying for only 4 positions, no pressure, right?
2) Anal sex. Not that I'm in any danger of it, but it's irrational and immediate due to Mallrats. I'm so impressionable.
3) My husband staying clean. He's been clean since 8/28/07.
Today wasn't so bad. No bounced checks, I have a roof over my head and cable. And pretzels. I am craving pretzels, and miracle or miracles, I have a whole box waiting to be baked and dipped. My husband vacuumed and it's cool outside for once. It's only 7pm and I'm calm without meds. I got a package in the mail today full of foreign candy, which is the best candy ever. American candy blows. It's a good day :)
Watch out for La Fours, tho. Put more quarters in that tube sock just in case.
Monday, October 8, 2007
ALVIN!!!!
That's how I woke up this morning, at 6:11am, like Alvin and The Chipmunks were pounding away at a hula hoop with a sledgehammer in my chest.
I grab my cell phone/alarm clock and zombie my way to the living room. I catnap on the couch for an hour and a half, opening my eyes every 10 minutes or so to check the time. I should have just stayed up but I didn’t want to wake my husband. Laundry, dishes, eyebrow maintenance…all of that could have been done but I was so worn out with disgust from last night’s Rock of Love Reunion Special (can I have that hour of my life back, please?) and not sleeping well that my general attitude was “Screw it”.
My therapist told me that when I wake up feeling anxious to get out of bed and go somewhere else....either stay up and be productive (at 6am? whatever) or try to nap until it's time to get up for work. She says I'll associate negativity with the bedroom if I force myself to lie in bed feeling miserable. She also gave the same scenario should I find myself unable to fall asleep at night. So um, well then where would you like me to sleep? The hall closet? Kitchen floor? Outside on the patio?
Sooooooo at 7:47am I decide I’ve had enough and get up, chain-smoking 3 cigarettes while I catch up on all the e-mail and gossip I missed while I was sleeping (nothing exciting happened in my corner of the world, however if I’m in need of Viagra or hot teen nude photos, I’m in luck *eyeroll*). A shower, 2 alarm/snooze routines later for my husband and I’m out the door to work. Woohoo. Alvin, Simon and Theodore have slowed down their hammering a bit, but not much. My anxiety morphs into irritation…and off we go!
I don’t always get a warning, mind you, that I’m anxious. I try to take my pills only when I need them, not the recommended 2x daily. Sometimes I’ll be so tense that my husband or a friend will have to make a smart-aleck comment before I realize I’m letting it get to me. Most of the time, though, it’s a low burning in my belly. Like a little invisible line of fire above my belly-button. When I get that feeling I know I’d better take my medication.
I’ve been diagnosed with GAD and PTSD. For those of you not in the know, that’s General Anxiety Disorder and (delayed onset) Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. I think I need a new therapist though, because she’s been looking at me lately like a I grew 3 heads.
I started out in early April of 2007 taking .5mg of Xanax. That dosage wasn't increased until late September 2007, and I asked for .75mg but my PCP prescribed 1mg. So I try not to take a whole one unless I need to. I took a whole one this morning though, due to "The List".
List of things making me anxious today (yeah I know you’ve been waiting for this LOL!):
1) [insert largest online auction site here] will be auto-debiting my fees for last month tomorrow. Rent will also be coming out tomorrow. The fees for said auction site are $10.00 more than I have in our joint account, and unless I can get to the bank in time to make a $10 deposit, you guessed it - $35 in overdaft fees. Best part? I don’t have $35. In fact, I have $32 on my credit card, $4.07 in my Paypal account and $13.00 in my stash checking account. (backstory – I got a personal checking account due to my husband draining our joint account for drugs).
2) My husband got accepted back into his old position (he was forced to quit or be fired due to his inability to do the work given due to being constantly on drugs), but he can’t start until October 19th. It’s still up in the air as to if he’ll be hired back at his same rate. It’s also the last chance they’ll be giving him.
3) Food – not enough of it. Dollar store here I come, and I’ll have to agonize over my choices since there is no extra cash. Meh.
4) The Holidays - I don't even know where to start. We've been invited by my biological mom (who is also my best friend) to come for Thanksgiving. And my parents also want to see me for Christmas. My parents have absolutely no clue what's been going on with my husband and I, and I'm sure they couldn't care less. Ah, family. I would much rather spend Thanksgiving in a warm, loving, fun and cozy environment rather than Christmas in a loud, judgemental and nosey one. Finances suck, online airline discount sites suck. 'Nuff said.
I'm working on giving you some background on me and my current situation. Stay tuned.
And stay away from those chipmunks.
I grab my cell phone/alarm clock and zombie my way to the living room. I catnap on the couch for an hour and a half, opening my eyes every 10 minutes or so to check the time. I should have just stayed up but I didn’t want to wake my husband. Laundry, dishes, eyebrow maintenance…all of that could have been done but I was so worn out with disgust from last night’s Rock of Love Reunion Special (can I have that hour of my life back, please?) and not sleeping well that my general attitude was “Screw it”.
My therapist told me that when I wake up feeling anxious to get out of bed and go somewhere else....either stay up and be productive (at 6am? whatever) or try to nap until it's time to get up for work. She says I'll associate negativity with the bedroom if I force myself to lie in bed feeling miserable. She also gave the same scenario should I find myself unable to fall asleep at night. So um, well then where would you like me to sleep? The hall closet? Kitchen floor? Outside on the patio?
Sooooooo at 7:47am I decide I’ve had enough and get up, chain-smoking 3 cigarettes while I catch up on all the e-mail and gossip I missed while I was sleeping (nothing exciting happened in my corner of the world, however if I’m in need of Viagra or hot teen nude photos, I’m in luck *eyeroll*). A shower, 2 alarm/snooze routines later for my husband and I’m out the door to work. Woohoo. Alvin, Simon and Theodore have slowed down their hammering a bit, but not much. My anxiety morphs into irritation…and off we go!
I don’t always get a warning, mind you, that I’m anxious. I try to take my pills only when I need them, not the recommended 2x daily. Sometimes I’ll be so tense that my husband or a friend will have to make a smart-aleck comment before I realize I’m letting it get to me. Most of the time, though, it’s a low burning in my belly. Like a little invisible line of fire above my belly-button. When I get that feeling I know I’d better take my medication.
I’ve been diagnosed with GAD and PTSD. For those of you not in the know, that’s General Anxiety Disorder and (delayed onset) Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. I think I need a new therapist though, because she’s been looking at me lately like a I grew 3 heads.
I started out in early April of 2007 taking .5mg of Xanax. That dosage wasn't increased until late September 2007, and I asked for .75mg but my PCP prescribed 1mg. So I try not to take a whole one unless I need to. I took a whole one this morning though, due to "The List".
List of things making me anxious today (yeah I know you’ve been waiting for this LOL!):
1) [insert largest online auction site here] will be auto-debiting my fees for last month tomorrow. Rent will also be coming out tomorrow. The fees for said auction site are $10.00 more than I have in our joint account, and unless I can get to the bank in time to make a $10 deposit, you guessed it - $35 in overdaft fees. Best part? I don’t have $35. In fact, I have $32 on my credit card, $4.07 in my Paypal account and $13.00 in my stash checking account. (backstory – I got a personal checking account due to my husband draining our joint account for drugs).
2) My husband got accepted back into his old position (he was forced to quit or be fired due to his inability to do the work given due to being constantly on drugs), but he can’t start until October 19th. It’s still up in the air as to if he’ll be hired back at his same rate. It’s also the last chance they’ll be giving him.
3) Food – not enough of it. Dollar store here I come, and I’ll have to agonize over my choices since there is no extra cash. Meh.
4) The Holidays - I don't even know where to start. We've been invited by my biological mom (who is also my best friend) to come for Thanksgiving. And my parents also want to see me for Christmas. My parents have absolutely no clue what's been going on with my husband and I, and I'm sure they couldn't care less. Ah, family. I would much rather spend Thanksgiving in a warm, loving, fun and cozy environment rather than Christmas in a loud, judgemental and nosey one. Finances suck, online airline discount sites suck. 'Nuff said.
I'm working on giving you some background on me and my current situation. Stay tuned.
And stay away from those chipmunks.
Sunday, October 7, 2007
.25mg of Xanax
So get this...sitting down, creating a name and signing up actually feels like taking .25mg of Xanax. No, really!
The act of DOING something, anything, rather than sitting up in bed with a robe wrapped around your legs, back tight against a wall and your nerves stretched tight as catgut on a tennis racket actually felt as stabilizing as taking a pill. Now I'm not thinking all of my efforts will be this rewarding and so quick but dammit I'm going to be a temporary optimist. Permanent things make me uptight, so temporary is soothing. And in spite of disliking putting down roots I'm married (4 years), have been at the same job (again for 4 years) and refuse to upgrade my cell phone (2 years, WHEW! I hate the number 4). I am a study in contradictions...Gemini, too. Go figure.
List of things making me tense today (it's okay to laugh to yourselves, really) :
1) Air-conditioning. Yup, I typed that. It's 87 and I loathe hot humid weather. Not such a good thing living on the eastern seaboard. The electric bill won't be as bad as August and September, but still.
2) Work on Monday. I'm sure I'm not alone in the "Sunday Blues"...you know what they are. Saturday = carefree buffer day stay up all night Friday it's okay to sleep in because wtf you can, right? Sunday is so far away. When Sunday rolls over and it's morning breathe wakes you up and your chest is all tight, teeth clenched and the only thought is a resounding "WHAT?!?!?!" then you know it's only a matter of hours before you have drag yourself back to work. Meh.
3) Going through my treasures and parting with them, in one fell swoop via TurboLister on [insert major online auction site here] and then regretting it before they've even sold.
4) Epilating. What woman does not have a love-hate relationship with her epilator? It feels like getting a full-body tattoo in the course of 30 minutes. OW. But the results are a dream. FYI, Mother Nature, we are NOT cavemen, we do NOT need to be covered in fur, Columbia brand jackets take care of windchill, thankyouverymuch.
5) Completing this list, this blog, this commitment to type as therapy.
6) Wondering if I can stretch a pound of hamburger, 1/3 jar of Prego (Traditional) and 2/3 pound of spaghetti noodles into dinner for 2. Money is pretty non-existent at this point. I made Dollar Store soft pretzels with cream cheese and yellow mustard as dips with 2 Cokes for lunch yesterday. Dinner last night for him was chicken flavored ramen, 2 packages. Mine was macaroni and cheese (the good kind, natch).
7) Dreaming. My dreams have been elaborate technicolor Gone with the Wind epics lately and it's wearing me down. Sleep used to be a haven but my mind is pushing me, kicking and screaming, towards acknowledging the reasons for the dreams. A friend is helping me piece them together and it's really frightening how much I've refused to acknowledge what's making my emotional well-being so fragile.
So yeah, this is good. I won't be devastated if no one reads my blog. Heck, I'm happy to have made it this far without shutting the laptop as if a spider were on the keyboard, shrieking and scuttling backwards until my butt hits the entertainment center.
More tomorrow...not sure how frequently I'll be posting (umm, yeah right) but it'll probably be every day. I don't have kids, pets, etc. Just a recovering addict husband and my anxiety. That's enough.
The act of DOING something, anything, rather than sitting up in bed with a robe wrapped around your legs, back tight against a wall and your nerves stretched tight as catgut on a tennis racket actually felt as stabilizing as taking a pill. Now I'm not thinking all of my efforts will be this rewarding and so quick but dammit I'm going to be a temporary optimist. Permanent things make me uptight, so temporary is soothing. And in spite of disliking putting down roots I'm married (4 years), have been at the same job (again for 4 years) and refuse to upgrade my cell phone (2 years, WHEW! I hate the number 4). I am a study in contradictions...Gemini, too. Go figure.
List of things making me tense today (it's okay to laugh to yourselves, really) :
1) Air-conditioning. Yup, I typed that. It's 87 and I loathe hot humid weather. Not such a good thing living on the eastern seaboard. The electric bill won't be as bad as August and September, but still.
2) Work on Monday. I'm sure I'm not alone in the "Sunday Blues"...you know what they are. Saturday = carefree buffer day stay up all night Friday it's okay to sleep in because wtf you can, right? Sunday is so far away. When Sunday rolls over and it's morning breathe wakes you up and your chest is all tight, teeth clenched and the only thought is a resounding "WHAT?!?!?!" then you know it's only a matter of hours before you have drag yourself back to work. Meh.
3) Going through my treasures and parting with them, in one fell swoop via TurboLister on [insert major online auction site here] and then regretting it before they've even sold.
4) Epilating. What woman does not have a love-hate relationship with her epilator? It feels like getting a full-body tattoo in the course of 30 minutes. OW. But the results are a dream. FYI, Mother Nature, we are NOT cavemen, we do NOT need to be covered in fur, Columbia brand jackets take care of windchill, thankyouverymuch.
5) Completing this list, this blog, this commitment to type as therapy.
6) Wondering if I can stretch a pound of hamburger, 1/3 jar of Prego (Traditional) and 2/3 pound of spaghetti noodles into dinner for 2. Money is pretty non-existent at this point. I made Dollar Store soft pretzels with cream cheese and yellow mustard as dips with 2 Cokes for lunch yesterday. Dinner last night for him was chicken flavored ramen, 2 packages. Mine was macaroni and cheese (the good kind, natch).
7) Dreaming. My dreams have been elaborate technicolor Gone with the Wind epics lately and it's wearing me down. Sleep used to be a haven but my mind is pushing me, kicking and screaming, towards acknowledging the reasons for the dreams. A friend is helping me piece them together and it's really frightening how much I've refused to acknowledge what's making my emotional well-being so fragile.
So yeah, this is good. I won't be devastated if no one reads my blog. Heck, I'm happy to have made it this far without shutting the laptop as if a spider were on the keyboard, shrieking and scuttling backwards until my butt hits the entertainment center.
More tomorrow...not sure how frequently I'll be posting (umm, yeah right) but it'll probably be every day. I don't have kids, pets, etc. Just a recovering addict husband and my anxiety. That's enough.
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